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Big Oil
This is an essay written by The Blessed Hand of The Lord, Thy God And Father In Heaven® through Bill Phillips himself while in a rapturous and patriotic state of mind. Big Oil Did you know that liberals have given all of America's big oil companies to the communists of Venezuela? It's true. America used to be number one in everything, now we just dominate the world's debt industry. We used to own damn near every nation of brown people, but somehow the Chinks and Towelheads bought 'em up with their weird money, 'cept they don't call 'em dollars, they call 'em yoons, or some such shit. Now, at some point in my life, all of America's oil got transfered under hostile brown soil. I looked this strange thing up in my Bible and it doesn't say anything about white American Christians losing dominance of their own oil to foreign brown people. That's just not fair! Now, I'm not just saying this for my own sake, since I'm hurting too. Why just last year, I had to sell one of my yachts 'cuz the gas prices was so high! Good thing my work bonus more than made up for it. Hey, don't hate me 'cuz I'm beautiful! Look, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now, but we all have bootstraps and wed know what to do with them! Right after hanging those damned Carter-Communists, we pull ourselves right back up and go out and get our oil back! No brown or yellow foreigner is going to tell me I can't drill for my oil! This is obviously a tough situation for the American consumer. Which is why America's Republicans have offered to make the tough decisions for you. So, you just sit back America, leave the hard deciding work to your Republican friends, we'll do the drilling, and you do whatever it is you do. We just have one big, patchouli-smelling hippie of a problem in our way: Democrats. You know what they've been doing, I don't have to tell you. While America sits on vast untapped barrels of oil, the liberals have been smokin' pot and growing dreadlocks in their latte-powered Volvos, or whatever the hell they do. And, they've been complaining. Complaining about the price of gas, but offer no solution! They complain about war, but don't do anything to stop it! They complain about the media not covering the market manipulation inflating gas prices and, well, look at the time. All we Republicans want you, the American voter, to do is go visit a National Park, take a look around. Look at the breastial majesty of the Rocky Mountains, do you see $1 gas? I know I do. What about the Florida Everglades? Do you see freedom from Cuban and Venezuelan terrorists? I know I do. What about Alaska? Do you see a parking lot? I see that and a McDonald's and a full parking lot, filled with Americans shopping and shopping for more glorious symbols of a free economy! Open your eyes America! Open long enough for you to see low gas prices and our nation safe once again from the brown hoard threatening us from the South. Keep your eyes open, America! Keep them open as you drive around looking at remote, out-of-the-way locations, just like in the car commercials. Do whatever it takes to get your SUV into those rivers, pay whatever the cost gas happens to be at the moment! Just go drive around and imagine a world made for the continued success of Big Oil! In short, all Americans are paying a terrible price for the Democratic Party's perverse energy policies. I own some small interests in tiny, 4 barrel-per-day oil wells in Wyoming. And I can't make more than the few piddly millions like I used to. I have to pay workers union rates, which just cuts into my salary. I'm not allowed to hire the thousands of Mexicans like I want, once again cutting into my yacht funds. If liberals weren't so hateful toward Mexicans, I could hire more of them and finally make a profit off that damn Wyoming money pit. To all you Democrats, voting for Barrack Hussein Obama hurts America's oil companies. I sit in my mansion and weep as he hikes your taxes. His Muslim policies will force gas to $10 per gallon just before the next election. It's going to hurt me more than it will hurt you to have to make that much profit, but hey, I warned you about voting for the Democrats, didn't I? Cheap hydrocarbon fuel is all over. Enjoy! Enjoy you fruits who elect these hippies when you are there in that voting booth and you stab your pin through a Democrat's name. That pin will stab you back like a voodoo doll and we will all be fearful of where our next barrel of oil will be coming from. Will it be Cuba? Venezuela? It really doesn't matter, they attacked us on September 11th and now we can get back at them by drilling for all our oil, no matter where it is! William "Bill" Phillips